‘Gossip Girl’ Recap: All the President’s Girls

So we’re told Nate goes to Columbia, there are several allusions to him studying in the hallowed halls of the upper west side Ivy, but until I actually see him there I will not be convinced that someone as amazingly attractive and adorably empty-headed as poor Nate got in on his own merits. That said, color me suspicious that the boy had time to “study” whatever-it-is-that-he-is-interested-in, campaign for his cousin, coordinate a political hoax, AND grow out his man bangs. But then again this is also a world in which impoverished documentrices can afford new and expanding spangly bling every episode. I can’t say I blame cousin Tripp Van Der Bilt for wanting Nate on the campaign, if I were running for any sort of political office I would surely make a 19-year-old kid with no political experience the face of my campaign, because, hello, have you seen his face? It ensures the voting constituency of the Z-Efron set ages: barely legal to cougar town.

Regardless of his leading man looks it is not frequently the case on the Upper East Side that Nate is given center stage with his very own Plot Line. So bravo! Chace Crawford barely manages to make us take him as any sort of serious when each line he delivers makes us wonder if he is putting any effort into it at all or if he is devoting each waking minute to memorizing his steps for the Footloose remake (if only because the lead female character is named Ariel which means C. Craw will be shouting it a lot which means I’ll get major goosebumps.)

So Nate suspects his grandfather of orchestrating a hoax to make Tripp look like a hero moments before the polls close. Vanessa, who captured it all on her ubiquitous camera, is unshockingly self-righteous and sells the footage to the press to Nate’s apparent chagrin.

Back in the world of S and B, the friends are on the outs and B realizes that she has no other friends but her mirror-image lackeys and so bonds with a fashionable blonde in a café. S continues to take crap from her publicist-boss K.C. and keep up a faux relationship with the sleazy Z-Efron look-alike Patrick Roberts of the hilariously relevant King Arthur with Vampires series, “Endless Knights” (if only he had been British! Nice going, CW).

As usual the twisting plots converge as everyone ends up together at a Party for Whomever Is Convenient at the Time hosted in Chuck’s new hotel. This time it’s an Election Party as Tripp and Team Van Der Bilt do damage control when the hoax is revealed by Vanessa’s footage. Blair learns not to invite strangers to parties when a drunken Patrick Roberts lets slip Blair’s new BFF is a high-priced hooker. Serena investigates with this hard-hitting question to a potential call-girl client after she is mistook for one herself, “Let me guess, you want to go upstairs and see if two blondes make a right?” Serena tells Blair who snaps back, “And who’s the one getting paid to date her clients, anyway?” Queen B doesn’t lose face easily, except when it’s covered in cake.

Which is exactly what happened when Serena pushed her into it. It’s good to know that the kids of the Upper East Side aren’t growing up too quickly, because in the world of Gossip Girl, once you hit 30 you can no longer act. Or perhaps the CW likes to cast bad-acting adults just to make the kids look better? Regardless the awkward scene between Grandfather and Tripp’s wife where it is revealed that Tripp’s wife is the Cherie to his Tony Blair and the mastermind behind the horribly executed hoax was long, painful and unnecessary. After Chuck fails to get the girls to kiss and make up, everybody leaves except Serena who finds herself sitting alone at the bar. Until the very married Tripp shows up with his crazy eyes as if he’d just stepped out from class at the Damon School of Crazy Eyes Acting and the two start getting chatty. Apparently Tripp’s first act as Congressman Van Der Bilt is to commit a Class C felony in aiding underage drinking whilst flirting with an 18-year-old who was just mistaken for a call girl. Welcome to politics!

So where have Dan and Duff been this whole time? For once the blah pair didn’t leave us in a perpetual state of snoozing. Olivia tells an embarrassingly precious story about Dan on the Jimmy Fallon show and is terrified Dan will find out and get in what Chuck would call “a hissy”. But the whole miscommunication (furthered by the appearance of MIA character and show namesake: Gossip Girl) is tied up nicely as Dan admits he had forgotten about their anniversary until the Jimmy Fallon show jogged his memory and could care less that he is known about the NYU halls as “Bathroom Boy”.

So in the end Blair has no friends but Chuck. Olivia and Dan stick it out a little less blahly at a time. Nate is slowly becoming politically corrupted and Serena finds out she’s too good for publicity. Which leaves us with the Gossip Girl lesson for the week: it’s good to know you can consistently sabotage your friends, wear barely-there outfits, leave someone for dead and still be better than anyone in publicity.

What do you think GG fans? Are we ready to see our Upper East Siders growing up? Or should we let them keep eating cake?