‘Gossip Girl’ Recap: The Last Days of Disco Stick

Well played GG! I fully retract the prematurely judgmental title I gave last week’s GG episode (“Ménage à Blah”) because this week totally made up for it with some sizzling threesome flashbacks, not to mention the hilariously edited strut-of-all-struts by our man Dan, walking down the street with what I would call ‘all the confidence of an NYU college freshman that has bedded a hottie AND a starlet in one night’ if I was not entirely confident that that has NEVER happened to a NYU college freshman before. So if the Parents Television Council thought they could rest easy after hopelessly trying to cover their teens’ eyes during last week’s tame episode… ha ha ha, they just got Punk’d, CW style.

The bulk of the episode is devoted to the threesome’s aftermath. Nate and Dan bro-it-up together as Dan eloquently recounts his night thusly: “Just me, Olivia, Vanessa. Two girls, four boobs, and one Dan Humphrey.” Although Nate, at the wizened age of 19 is already quite the connoisseur of all things “Peter, Paul and Mary” (How the CW didn’t make use of Britney’s new song, ‘3’, I shall never know. The lyrics are perfection: Three is a charm/two is not the same/I don’t see the harm/are you game?) He effectively bursts Dan’s bubble with his advice-come-too-late: The third person is always supposed to be a stranger! Duh!

Vanessa and Dan then decide to bury the awkwardness of which everyone is keenly aware by going to a Morrissey concert per their yearly ritual—much to Olivia’s jealous despair. Aware that Dan is slipping out of her clutches and into Vanessa’s bedazzled ones Olivia joins the scheme team by conspiring with Blair. Blair has finally found the self-considered elite of NYU: the Tisch School, famous for their film and playwright program. But even the daughter of a famous entertainment lawyer doesn’t get her sway with the Tisch crowd. With Olivia’s clout, Dan’s script and Blair’s determination the group creates a Lady Gaga-inspired Cabaret performance based on the Snow White story. But with Dan ditching the Morrissey concert to work on the inexplicable and perfectly timed Cabaret, V won’t be left out, and she, with her dearth of experience, shows up to direct the whole ridiculous hullabaloo. The show itself is a wonder to behold. Like watching the train wreck that is any childhood theater performance, the Gaga-Snow White-Cabaret is awesome and disastrous, hilarious and horrible, sort of like Lady Gaga herself. Outside the performance Olivia confronts Dan about “that night” and accuses of him preferring Vanessa to herself. Within the performance Olivia sings a brief and weighty rendition of “Love Game” whose significance is not lost on Dan. Olivia bails on the performance—throughout which Blair, as the witch, delivers a series of hilarious one-liners—and Vanessa steps in to receive the true love’s kiss that will wake her from her cursed sleep.

If this show isn’t enough to convince the Tisch crowd that Blair, Dan and Vanessa can join their ranks apparently an exclusive and over-the-top-Gaga-style-which-is-way-more-extreme-than-extreme performance is (though something tells me Tisch is more Morrissey than Gaga and those unused tickets would have done the trick.)

Meanwhile Serena senses she is about to commit some major adultery with Trip Van Der Bilt. Rather than attempt any self control she asks Nate to distract her. While the much MUCH hotter Nate would have distracted just about anybody from Trip, Serena is somehow miraculously immune—even when he admits that he tried to tell her he loved her. Trip finds out that his wife plotted to further his political career and rashly decides to not only inevitably ruin his marriage but his job as well, and runs be comforted by the padding provided by Serena’s massive and very office-inappropriately-bared chest. Nate is left alone at the bar—but even though Nate is hardly given a personality, much less a storyline, somehow I’m confident he won’t be alone for long.

Jenny tumbles further down the Lohan path to doom by aligning herself with a Euro trash ambassador’s son and Z-Efron look alike (guest star Kevin Zegers) who is also an international drug dealer. Even though Chuck (her attempted rapist from first season) tries to steer her down the righteous path she will have none of it.

In the end: Olivia leaves to star in a new movie, Bitches of Eastwick and Dan is left to struggle with his feelings for Vanessa. Serena is involved with a married man, Blair is climbing her ladder, and Chuck is playing responsible Daddy. And, of course, we all learn a valuable lesson: the third person is always supposed to be a stranger!

Next week: Nothing like a Thanksgiving-themed episode served with some heaping helpings of Family Feud.

Xoxo, Gossip Girl Recapper

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