‘Gossip Girl’ Recap: Menage a Blah

In typical CW fashion the now infamous threesome episode of Gossip Girl that had whiny parents all-in-a-tizzy was all hype and very little hullabaloo. We should have known considering CW is first in its class for misleading promos but I had high hopes that GG- who had previously used quotes ripped from the PTC’s bashing of our beloved show for their own publicity ie: “Every parent’s nightmare”—to give as good as it got. The PTC explained their reported outrage by saying that threesomes on TV are “behaviors heretofore associated primarily with adult films” and would pressure impressionable teenagers to imitate what they see. Now I don’t know as much about adult films as the experts at the PTC, but the “threesome” on GG was more spin-the-bottle than Pirates XXX. Leave it to Duff and co. to make a crazy drunken night a trip to dullsville. The passionless scene where a very sober Duff kissed Dan, Dan kissed Vanessa and Vanessa kissed Duff in slow torturous turns should keep the parents at bay, especially when we get the awkward wake up scene the next morning! If anything this episode did more to push me down the path to Puritanism than interest me in multiple partners- after all its hard enough finding one good one, now we’re supposed to find two?!

In other news its Cotillion time for resident Queen of Constance, Jenny Humphrey. But poor Little J and her nasty extensions (or because of them?) is without an escort and feeling more than ever like a girl from Brooklyn—which is apparently a Very. Bad. Thing. But it’s hard to drum up sympathy for the leggy blonde teen queen with her dictator attitude towards her step-bro and his BF in previous episodes. And now she’s even got the angelic Eric scheming for her demise. Et tu Eric?

Eric knows Jenny has her heart set on going to Cotillion with hearsay hottie Graham Collins, but when a pushy eager beaver tries to make it happen for Jenny and Graham, Eric intervenes telling Graham that Jenny is going with ­­his­ BF, Jonathan (who Jenny had egged, lest we forget). Why Jonathan and Eric would even want to go a Cotillion that would not let them escort each other is food for thought (this isn’t even touched on, I guess a threesome was enough scandal for one episode!). Where there is a Cotillion there is Blair and she vies to be Jenny’s mentor, instead of Step-sis Serena, whom she hates right now for reasons no one cares to remember. The two spat-it-out until Serena decides to be the bigger person and escapes to her new job working for newly elected Congressman Trip Van der Bilt, who hired her for her age, maturity, job experience and college degree certainly and not for her blonde hair and boobs galore, folks, he’s a Congressman after all! But when Serena shows up for a late night work sesh bearing food and looking edible the sexual tension is too much and Serena realizes it just as she gets a conciliatory text from Blair who is hoping to patch their friendship. Before anything gets too adulterous Serena makes it to Cotillion to talk to Blair but it soon becomes clear that the text was a ploy by Chuck to get the girls back together and according to him if they kiss while making up, it doesn’t count as cheating. Thankfully the girls leave that potential plot line for another season and talk it out instead. Serena reveals that she has been searching for her Papa but that he doesn’t want to see her.

At the Cotillion it’s time for the Debutants to be announced. Jenny thinks she’s going with Graham Collins but Eric and the eager beaver girl have arranged otherwise. At the last minute Graham ends up going with the eager beaver girl and Jenny is left alone in front of the entire crowd. She scampers off in shame and for a minute we believe the Queen might be dethroned. Until Little J shows up with the beautiful Nate around her arm.

We knew he was good for something besides, er…looking beautiful. So in the end the Queen reigns supreme. Serena and Blair are besties again. We still don’t know why Nate’s move-in day (now? Really?) involved strippers borrowing Blair’s lingerie and how she POSSIBLY WAS OKAY WITH THAT?

But all that is forgotten when Olivia is sucked into doing Eternal Knights 4 and so must leave her love for a year to start filming toute de suite. In a last ditch attempt to get Olivia the full college experience Dan, Vanessa and Olivia follow a list that starts with getting trashed and ends with the more implied-than-illustrated threesome. And in the final scene Lily Bass finds a letter addressed to Serena from her father…. But so what because the scenes from next week look WONDERFUL as Nate explains to Dan the full magnitude of what he has done and Duff goes ape-shit on Vanessa, because after all, it takes three to tangle. Can’t wait!!!!

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